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World's Biggest Thing/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Whatcha ya doin'? Brent Leroy: Just a little game I like to play. This is a board that says who's bounced cheques here. Dad likes to put their names up to kinda shame them into paying. Lacey: Having your name written in chalk. Now there's a shame that never goes away. So, what's the game? Brent: Oh, here he comes. Watch. Oscar Leroy: More bounced cheques? Cheap sons of...who is it? Peter Parker? Who's that? Is he from town here? And who's this Jean-Luck Pikard? Brent: I think that's Jean-Luc Picard. Oscar: What a handle. Marge Simpson? That sounds familiar. She's bounced cheques here before, I think. That's it. Don't take cheques from Marge Simpson or that french guy. Lacey: This is fun for you? Brent: He's still trying to track down Arthur Fonzarelli. Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent, there's somethin' I wanna run by ya. I got an idea that's gonna suck a million tourists into Dog River. You ready for this? Brent: I bet this is gonna be great! Hank: The world's biggest. Brent: Did you finish that sentence? World's biggest what? Hank: I don't know. Brent: I see. So the world's biggest something? Hank: Exactly. Moose Jaw, they got the world's biggest moose. Tisdale, they got the world's biggest bumblebee. And right up the road at Wullerton, they got the world's biggest magpie. It draws in tourists like some kinda, like a um, uh... Brent: Tourist magnet? Hank: Yeah. Like, like a magnet for tourists. Vegreveille, they got the world's biggest Easter egg. People from all over the world come and see that. Brent: It's the new Vegas. Hank: Exactly. I figure if we can come up with some kinda, you know, world's biggest somethin' or other, people passing through will stop in Dog River and check out our thing. Brent: Put that in the brochure, "check out our thing." Hank: And you know, they're gonna want to stop in here to get their gas and their drinks and their smokes and snacks and whatnot. Brent: Actually, Hank, I think you're onto somethin'. Everyone, Hank has had a good idea. Someone circle the calendar. Hank: Very funny. But I'm gonna bring this up at the town meeting. Brent: Good. I think you should. And anything I can do to help, anything at all, you just let me know. Hank: Be at the town meeting? Brent: No. Lacey: Could you pass the ketchup? Davis Quinton: Oh, yeah, sure. Ah! Oscar Leroy: What the hell's wrong with you? Davis: I pulled a muscle in my neck. Lacey: Lifting ketchup? Davis: Yeah. I threw my back out the other day, shaving. Oh, I used to be in such great shape. Now I can feel it all slippin' away. Oscar: You're gettin' old. Davis: I'm not old. Oscar: You're not young. This is the way it goes, Davis. One day it dawns on ya that you're startin' to get old. And then it dawns on ya that ya are old. Then it dawns on ya that every second that ticks by is just another inch that you've dragged your tired carcass towards you own cold grave. Then one day stuff stops dawnin' on ya, 'cause ya died. Davis: Ever done any motivational speaking? You should look into it. Oscar: Just givin' him the benefits of my wisdom. It's the only good thing about being old. Lacey: You are not old, Oscar. Oscar: Go on. I'm 63, and I look 73. Lacey: You do not. You are a damn fine looking man, Oscar Leroy, and don't you forget it. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Okay. All in favour? All opposed? All: Nay. Fitzy: The nays have it. So we will not be painting a big, pink smiley face up on the water tower. Sorry, Ed. Any other ideas on how to improve tourism? Wes Humboldt: We could stop shuttin' down the town in the middle of the day to hold these town meetings. Fitzy: And we'll discuss that at our next meeting. 11:00am Friday. Karen Pelly: Do these town meetings usually go on for this long? Hey, have you ever been to one? What are they like? You seem kinda crabby. Are you crabby? Is somethin' wrong? Davis: Yeah. You're not askin' me enough questions. Brent: Just stay low. Keep your head down. Lacey: Okay, okay, it's been a while since I went to ninja school. Brent: I just...I don't want Hank to know that I'm here. Lacey: Why not? Brent: Because then he'll involve me somehow and then I'm an idiot by association. Fitzy: The floor will now recognize Hank Yarbo. Hey, look, it's Hank Yarbo. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha. Go ahead, Hank. Hank: Okay. Thanks, Fitzy. I, I mean, I mean Mr. Mayor. He's the Mayor. Well, I, I, I think that people buy smokes, right? But, but what we need is a, is a, is a magnet, like the, like they got in the...in that new Vegas. Uh. Like a bee. And, uh, and, and, and, and gas. But, but a big one, right? A big, a, a, we need to build a really, really big one. Lacey: Smooth. Brent: He's like a young Trudeau. Karen: Somebody needs to cheer up. How about some music? Hey! Davis: That new music sucks, and it sucks too loud! Karen: New? That song came out in like '96. I was still in high school when that song came out. Why are they having a town meeting about increasing tourism? Like tourists are gonna come to Dog River? Not in my lifetime and certainly not in yours. Davis: Oooh. Hank: People will buy smokes, big smokes, any big, huge thing, any big thing. Let me try that again. Brent: Oh, no! His wheels are comin' off. Lacey: Oh, relax. He'll be fine. Brent: No. He's gonna haul me into his hell. Hank: Brent, you made it! Brent: Yeah, I'm here for ya, buddy. Hank: Brent knows what I'm talkin' about and, he, he can take it from here. Uh, he, he knows. Brent: Okay. Uh, okay. Well, you all know that Moose Jaw has the world's biggest moose? All: Yeah. Brent: We build something similar. Wes: A caribou. Local: A reindeer. Brent: Not similar to a moose. Wes: Fish? Brent: Similar in concept. Uh, we build something that is somehow representative of our town. Fitzy: I don't know. It sounds pretty pricey. Brent: Well, they got that big magpie up the road, Fitzy. Are you, as Mayor of Dog River, tellin' me that we're not as good as Wullerton? Fitzy: N-no. I, I, I, I, I wasn't saying that. Brent: I, do you guys think we're as good as Wullerton? Hank: Hell, yeah. Lacey: You should seriously consider starting your own cult. Brent: I'm thinkin' about it. Play your cards right, you could be wife number 30. Oscar: You better start being nice to me, Emma. Emma Leroy: Or what, exactly? Oscar: I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me. Emma: A crush on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy. Oscar: What the hell are you talkin' about? Dogs lick me all the time. Emma: So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town? Oscar: Lacey. Emma: Lacey? Oscar: That's right, Lacey. In retrospect, I should have seen the signs. Lacey: More coffee, Oscar? Oscar, what time is it? Oscar: Hi, Lacey. Lacey: Hi. Oscar: Poor kid, she's got it bad. Emma: Listen, Oscar, I know Lacey is young and pretty and new. You and I've been together for 37 years and I don't know what I'd do if you suddenly took off with Lacey and the two of you would...I held it together pretty good there for a second. You and Lacey! You've gotta be kidding me. Fitzy: All right, let's get to it. This committee's job is to decide what sort of world's biggest thing to build. Brent, any suggestions? This was your idea. Brent: Well, I ... Hank: Whoa, hey, hey! Point of order. Brent: What? Oh, yeah. This was Hank's idea, actually. How about a hand for Hank, everybody. All right. Well, I was just gonna say that I think we should build something symbolic of Dog River. Wes: How about a big dog standing in a river? Brent: And yet something less obvious than that. Lacey: Hey, Oscar. Oscar: Hello, Lacey. The other day Emma and I, you know my wife, Emma? Lacey: Yeah, of course. Oscar: Well you know, the other day I was watching the news, watching the news with my wife, Emma, and they said that Bill Clinton, he was fooling around, fooling around on his wife. Lacey: That was on the news? I thought that happened last millennium. Oscar: And I says to my wife, Emma, "wife, I don't approve of that Bill Clinton fooling around like that and I don't approve of that young woman fooling around with him." If you understand what I'm saying? Lacey: Ah, I don't know, Oscar. It happens, you know? A lot of women are attracted to powerful, older men. Oscar: Damn! Hank: You know what, Brent? Let me, okay? All right, everybody, finish this sentence. Welcome to Dog River, home of the world's biggest...? Brent: We got that far an hour ago. Wes: World's biggest gopher. Hank: No, Stumpwood has the world's biggest gopher. Lacey: How big is it? Hank: I don't know exactly but its head's made out of a Volkswagen. Lacey: That's a big gopher. Wes: World's second biggest gopher. Local: That's good. Brent: No, it can't be the world's second biggest something. It's like the greatest show on earth. Nobody's heard of the second greatest show on earth. Wes: Quincy. Helen Jensen: I have a suggestion. Fitzy: Oh. The floor recognizes my grandma. Helen: Dog River has always been a farming community. I think that we should build something that would show how proud we are of our agricultural heritage. Brent: There ya go. Now we're cookin'. Helen: My suggestion is we should build a hoe. Brent: Uh, the world's biggest hoe? Lacey: They do attract people. And they certainly generate revenue. Oscar: Wanda, have you got a second? Wanda Dollard: Honestly, who eats headcheese? Oscar: What? It's good. It reminds me of when I was a kid. Wanda: That's why they call it "the depression." Oscar: I need to talk to you. Wanda: Shoot. Oscar: Say a woman is attracted to a guy, but the guy doesn't want her to be, what can he do to make himself less appealing? Wanda: Sleep with her. Oscar: No, no, no, no, no. That would just make it worse. Is there somethin' a guy can do just to look less appealing? Wanda: What do ya mean, like having something stuck in his teeth? Oscar: Now we're cookin'. Helen: It could be coming up out of the earth, covered with topsoil. Lacey: Now it's a big dirty hoe. Brent: Hold up just a second. Hang on. I don't know if this hoe thing is such a great idea. How about a big shovel? Local: That's almost the same thing. Hank: Geez, Brent. First you try to steal my idea and now you're takin' hers. Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's grandma in the eye and give her one good reason why this town can't build a great big dirty hoe. Brent: Um, all right. Well, you see, it's just that, uh, if, if...no reason, ma'am. Wes: Now I say we bolt some sheet metal onto an old telephone pole. Local: Nah, the wood's too dry. It'll crack. Brent and Lacey: Crack hoe. Brent: This really entertains you, doesn't it? Lacey: You have no idea. Oscar: Hey, do we have any parsley? Emma: Above the stove. What do you need parsley for? Oscar: Watch your show. Emma: Oh, look, Oscar! Raquel Welch is on TV. Doesn't she also have a crush on you? Oscar: Laugh it up. Emma: Oh and Angie Dickinson called earlier. I told her you were married. I hope that's all right. Oscar: I'm goin' out. Emma: Well, I'll just stay here by myself. I don't want to cramp your style. Say hi to Farrah Fawcett for me. Brent: It was unbelievable. It was like I was in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and I was the guy running around at the end going, "Don't you see? It's a big hoe, a big dirty hoe!" Lacey: Nobody seemed to get it. I'm assuming there's not a demand for rap albums in this town? Wanda: So, where are they gonna build this hoe? Lacey: Probably on a street corner. Wanda: And no one else got the hoe thing, uh? Brent: No. Well, actually, I'm pretty sure that the Mayor got it. Brent: Fitzy, are you okay with us building the world's biggest... Fitzy: What was I gonna say, Brent? She's my grandma, my grandma! Brent: I'd never seen a human face do that before. It looked like a balloon full of jam. Can we get a round? Hank: Hey, Brent, good job at the meeting. You had them in the palm of your hands, 'til you tried to steal old lady Jensen's idea. Lacey: Yeah. Brent: I can't believe you didn't say anything. Hank: About what? The hoe thing? What's the problem? Lacey: Well, Hank, in, in large urban centres some women are willing to exchange money for, um, uh... Hank: I know, I know. I get it. Hoe, big dirty hoe, crack hoe. I'm there. But the way I see it, when we build this thing, it's gonna cause a huge stink in the media, and not just locally, nationally, internationally. Then we just sit back and wait for the tourist dollars to roll in. Lacey: That's actually not a bad idea. Wanda: Everyone, Hank's got a good idea. Someone circle the calendar. Brent: I used that one already. Wanda: Oh, yeah. Well, I can't keep track. Brent: I don't know, Hank. I don't buy it. I hear world's biggest hoe, I picture a 40 foot prostitute working the streets. Hank: I'd watch that movie. Brent: Can't they just use a different word? Have you heard? The town's building the world's biggest soil turner. Hey, how tall are they gonna make that big earth spoon? I can't wait to see that giant dirt stick. Nobody's buyin' it. Hank: Did you try dirt stick? Brent: Yes. I tried dirt stick. Hank: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't watch a woman play pinball. Lacey: What was that about? Brent: Well, those flippers move independently, you know? You don't have to flap them both at once. Wanda: Atta girl! Lacey: Hey, Oscar. Oscar: Hi, Linda. Lacey: It's Lacey. Oscar: Oh, right. Sorry. Brent: Do you feel OK, Dad? Did you get hit by a grain truck or something? Or a garbage truck? Oohf, what's the deal? Oscar: I don't know what your taking about. I feel fine. I feel really good. Brent: Is that parsley in your teeth? Oscar: Well, maybe. Ha ha! Does it look gross? Hey? Lacey? Lacey: Hmm? Uh, no. I get stuff stuck in my teeth all the time. Oscar: Damn! Another thing we've got in common. I gotta go home now, to my wife. Brent: What was that about? Wanda: Oh, my god! Oscar was talkin' about Lacey. Lacey: About me? Wanda: Yep. Oscar thinks you have a crush on him. Lacey: What? Wanda: Yep. Lacey: No. Wanda: Yep. Lacey: Huh? Wanda: Uh-huh. Lacey: Oh. Oh, no, you guys! It's because I told him he didn't look old? I was just trying to make him feel better. Brent: Hussy! Brent: Is this your card? Lacey: No. Brent: Is it your card? Wanda: Nope. Brent: I suck at this. Lacey: Oh, god! Here's your dad. Brent: Oh, I want you to know I'm okay with you being my new mommy. Lacey: Shut up. Brent: Do you prefer mom or mommy? Lacey: Oh, you guys, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this has gotta end. Oscar: What are you all lookin' at? Lacey: Oscar? Uh, could I have a word with you? See, I think that there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. Wanda: Oh! Hey, Oscar! I forgot to tell you. We got a new shipment of headcheese in. Oscar: Headcheese? Lacey: Headcheese? Brent: Headcheese? Wanda: Yes, headcheese. Oh, Oscar loves headcheese. Don't ya, Oscar? Oscar: Oh, yeah. Nectar of the gods. Let me at it. Wanda: Oh, look, Lacey! Oscar's eatin' headcheese. Lacey: So? Oh! Headcheese! Oh, Oscar, that's disgusting! Oscar: Oh, I eat it every day. Want some? Lacey: Oscar, that is such a turnoff. I'm sorry, I think I have to leave. I'm, I'm gonna be sick. Oscar: Ha, ha. Cooled her jets. Brent: So Lacey was warm to your form, was she? Oscar: Poor kid. Brent: Were you tempted? Oscar: Don't be an idiot. Brent: She is easy on the eyes. Oscar: Wouldn't be after Emma got through with her. Brent: Oh, that's true. Lacey seems nimble, but, uh, I don't think she could match Mom's raw power. Emma: Damn skunk in the garden! Go on, get! Fitzy: The tourist attraction that the committee has decided to build is the world's biggest hoe. Wanda: I'm surprised you came. Brent: Well, I couldn't miss the announcement of the world's biggest gardening implement. Okay, it's a hoe. Lacey: I thought there would be more people here. Hank: Quincy's on. Karen: I finally get to go to a town meeting. It's everything I imagined. Davis: I can't believe they're building the world's biggest hoe. May as well say we've got the world's biggest prostitute. Helen: Shame on you! Why do you youngsters always have to have such filthy mouths?! Davis: Youngster. Karen: Everything's relative I guess. Brent: I'll admit, I thought the idea of a world's biggest hoe was kinda dumb, but now that I see it... Lacey: Yeah, it really is impressive. Brent: Gee, this makes our hoe look tiny. Hank: Really? You think this one's bigger than the one we built in Dog River? Lacey: Oh, yeah. Hank: I guess we shoulda checked first to see if anybody else already had the world's biggest hoe. Brent: That would have been the smart thing to do. Geez, this is a nice town. Do you guys want to spend some money here? Hank: Yeah. Buy some smokes and gas and drinks and snacks and whatnot. Lacey: Hey, look! There's a coffee shop attached to that gas station. Category:Transcripts